


[Meta] Confessions of a Podficcer with a (mostly) ex-speech impediment

by fire_juggler_writes (fire_juggler)



Category: Meta - Fandom
Genre: Audio Format: Streaming, On Podfic, Other, Podfic & Podficced Works
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-28
Updated: 2012-04-28
Packaged: 2017-11-15 06:37:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/524207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fire_juggler/pseuds/fire_juggler_writes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>So here it is, a super-personal musing on what it is like for me to podfic with (mostly) ex-speech impediments.  How it affects the way I read, how it affects the way I listen, how podficcing has changed the way I think about speech “impediments” and voices (my own, and other people’s). </i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	[Meta] Confessions of a Podficcer with a (mostly) ex-speech impediment

**Author's Note:**

> I'm reposting my metas here to AO3, just to fully archive everything I've done. This is the first ♥

This is a highly personal meta.  I thought strongly about not posting it, for several reasons:

1) I don’t necessarily think that it will be helpful to anyone, since it _is_ so personal to _me_.  Additionally, as it says in the title, my speech-impediment problems are mostly “ex”.  They rear their ugly heads when I’m tired or drunk.   
2) There is this part of me that fears that if I put this all out there, people will start listening for it, and if you listen for it, you’ll find it.   
3) It always seems like whenever someone metas about something, there is at least one person who takes huge offense and starts wank all over your journal. I have a fear of meta-ing.

But then I thought, what the hell.  Because even though the physically audible problems are mostly “ex,” the mental anxiety is still very much attached to me, and the divorce will never be finalized.  And I know for a fact, that there are other podficcers (or would-be podficcers) who might have similar things going on.  And if nothing else, I’ve found that it sure helps to know that you’re not alone.  
   
So here it is, a super-personal musing on what it is like for me to podfic with (mostly) ex-speech impediments.  How it affects the way I read, how it affects the way I listen, how podficcing has changed the way I think about speech “impediments” and voices (my own, and other people’s). 

I don't think this applies only to speech impediments. Anyone who has been teased or harassed for the way they sound probably has some deep scarring. Those childhood traumas run deep (don't get me started on having a deep Texas accent and moving to the Midwest). 

Also, since it seemed appropriate, I also created a voice post of this:

**A little background**

   
According to Wikipedia (that knower of all things), _“only 5% to 10% of the population has a completely normal manner of speaking (with respect to all parameters) and healthy voice; all others suffer from one disorder or another.”_   I am not one of the 5-10%.

So, a long time ago (getting longer every day), a little blonde baby was born to two proud parents, and they thought she was perfect (strangely, they still think she’s perfect, even now, 34 years later).  However, as the little blonde baby grew up, it became clear that something was wrong.  Talking was a problem.  And for a while, this was mostly ignored, the assumption being that she would grow out of it.  But by the time she hit kindergarten, it was becoming a non-ignorable problem.  Small girl couldn’t communicate so well.  It was becoming a problem with her peers.  Small girl was getting teased.  Small girl kept her mouth shut more and more often.  So her parents did what parents do and got her into speech therapy.  She graduated in the 2nd grade and was left to fly free in the knowledge that the problems were mostly solved.   
   
I had three issues: the dreaded stuttering, and two articulation disorders with S and R.  Not uncommon, really, but pronounced enough that communicating really was an issue.  I say that these problems are _mostly_ “ex”, and they are.  But I know that they are still there, lurking under the surface.  They mostly come out when I’m really tired, or stressed, or drunk.  And I know that they are around enough that close listeners will hear them, since twice in my adult life, I’ve had someone comment on them.  Statements along the lines of _"Oh, I can understand why you have a fear of public speaking, since you have a speech disorder.”_ *headdesk*  
   
The result of this is that I have a barely perceptible speech issue, which most people will never even notice, and a giant mental block, complete with huge amounts of anxiety, about how sounds exit my mouth.   
 

**On Recording Podfic**

   
I love recording podfic.  Reading aloud has been a huge part of my life since I was wee.  Both my parents read to me, my sister read to me, and pretty much all of my meaningful adult relationships have involved a degree of sharing books aloud.  So discovering podfic was a bit of a revelation for me.  It was a way to be involved in fandom where before I was blocked by my complete inability to do anything creative.   
   
But here we hit the snag.   
   
You see, being hyper-conscious of my speech led to a nearly insurmountable fear of being recorded.  I almost never leave messages on answering machines.  In fact, I almost never call people.  In fact, I almost never answer the phone. No-one was more grateful than I when texting arrived on the technological horizon.  Face-to-face conversations are less of a problem for me.  They are transient.  There and then gone.  Recording… well… that’s forever.  Or even if it’s not forever, people can still play it over and over again if they want to.  They can sit down and analyze every sound, every mispronunciation, every stutter.  
   
Also, remember that “tired or drunk” thing?  Well, the thing is, like most people, I’m not exactly swimming in copious amounts of free time.  My podfics are, more often than not, recorded in those precious hours between work and falling comatose into bed.  Often with a glass of wine at my elbow.  So, I’m not exactly at my verbal best.  I have to concentrate harder at those times.   
   
But I was lured.  I was lured by the wonderful podfics I had been listening to, by how much joy they brought to my commute.  I was lured by a desire to participate in fandom, after lurking for years and years.  I was lured because, in spite of everything, I _love_ reading aloud.   
   
What I discovered, is that podficcing is, for the most part, _great_ for people with (ex-)speech disorders.  Even though I have days when I listen to my own podfics and _all I can hear are the irregularities in my speech_ (apologies to the Twitter peeps who get to listen to me whine about it). But, the incredible thing about podficcing is that _you can edit!!!_ So, I could read and re-read. Listen and re-listen, until I had something that I was comfortable posting. In that way, podfic has opened a world to me that I didn't really know was available. Unlike the dreaded phone and answering machine, I could practice. I could erase. This has led me to an ease that I've never really felt before with my voice and my sounds. But really, what got me over the hump, was listening to podfic.

**On Listening to Podfic**

As you probably know, from my recs, from my Twitter feed, I listen to _a lot_ of podfic. I have, in the last couple of years, listened closely to more voices than I ever have before. I listened to audiobooks prior to that, but they tend to be the same readers again and again. Podfic is different. Podfic is the voices of fandom. Voices from all over the world, most of them untrained and unmanipulated. And I discovered something. I have quirks, idiosyncrasies in the way I pronounce things. My lips and tongue and teeth don't always cooperate with me, and things sometimes go awry. When I concentrate hard, they go awry in the opposite direction. I over-enunciate. I'm overly precise. What I learned from listening to podfic, is that _everybody_ has quirks. Remember that Wikipedia article? _“Only 5% to 10% of the population has a completely normal manner of speaking (with respect to all parameters) and healthy voice; all others suffer from one disorder or another.”_   Hell, even the "normal" people are abnormal in their normality.

It's not always a "speech impediment," in the clinical sense of the word. Not necessarily a stutter or an articulation disorder. But EVERY. SINGLE. READER. has something unique about the way they read. Their cadence. The way they pronounce a certain word. Their pacing. Their accent. 

The thing is, when I listen to all those voices, I don't think about the quirks at all. I register them. I might even file them away as a this-is-one-of-the-things-this-reader-does thing. They become the things that make me smile and know that I'm listening to a friend when I hear them. But it's not _wrong_ in my mind. It's those quirks, those idiosyncrasies, that make me love podfic fandom. I _love_ hearing the voices in our fandom, and I think it would be insanely boring if everyone had the same voice, read the same way. I would say that I have a "tolerance" for different styles, but that's not it. It's not "tolerating". I truly love it. And… slowly, but surely, that love is expanding to include my own voice. 

I have absolutely no regrets about speech therapy. I'm deeply grateful to my parents for finding me a competent therapist and I don't think I would have gotten through elementary school without it. But the thing is, speech therapy left me with the indelible knowledge that there is something wrong with me. Something wrong with the way I naturally produce sounds. Something that had to be fixed. Through podfic, I've been realizing that my (ex-)speech impediment isn't actually an IMPEDIMENT. It's not impeding anyone from understanding. It just happens to be the unique way that the sounds happen to exit my mouth. The bad days still happen. The days when I can't hear _anything_ except the problems. The same problems I was carefully trained to hear and do away with. But they are slowing becoming more rare, and I'm starting to appreciate my voice and my sounds as what they are: me. Just, the way I communicate. Maybe some people will like it better than others, but it's not _wrong_. And for that, I am incredibly grateful to podfic. It's been leading me to an acceptance of myself and my voice that has been a really long time coming.


End file.
